2nd Suscriber, Speedos, Dostoevsky, LOST, Manroulette and Other Stuffs

First off, thanx BobaThaiTea for subscribing. I now have a grand total of 2 followers (cue applause)! Hope to see you around.

Some updates. I made time to go to the pool last week, and man it's been a while since I last swam. In case you're wondering (you might not be, but I'll tell you anyway), I love swimming, and I guess I'm pretty good at it. I'm not like school rep material or anything like that, but I could beat pretty much most of my peer's asses. I used to swim 60-80 laps every day, but well, that was a long time ago. What love the most about swimming is the feeling of just being in the water. When I'm doing laps, everything else juts fades away and it's just me and the water and the laps, on and on and on. Sometimes, the sensation that I get when the water rushes against me (or me against the water) makes me feel like I'm flying. I think swimming is really the closest that one could get to flying physically. I could get quite a bit of thinking done while I'm in the water too. And of course, there are the boys in tight speedos. Man, who could say no to that, right? Haha. And that day when I went to the uni pool, there were a bunch of navy guys training. Suffice to say, I didn't get much swimming done, since I was obviously busying myself with something else lol. And the best thing is I've got my tan back! In case you're wondering again, yes I do have a nice tan line (vain!).

Speedo boys, yum yum!

This week I've finally finished The Brothers Karamazov! You have no idea how proud I am of myself. I have always been a big fan of Dostoevsky ever since I first read Crime and Punishment. That was an amazing book, but Karamazov is even better. It took me almost 3 months to finish the beast, but every page was a ride. The chapter that captivated me the most would definitely be The Grand Inquisitor. It is without a doubt THE most original case of argument against God. Someone once said that it is possible to achieve a feeling akin to orgasm when reading a piece of great literature, and I think it did it for me (No, I didn't get a raging boner while reading it, thanks for asking). I almost burst into tears by the time I finished the final sentence of the chapter and felt like jumping for joy without reason and go around telling people what I've just read. Then I found out none of my friends read Dostoevsky, and that brought me back down to earth (lol). I guess many people are intimidated by the works of classic authors, but Dostoevsky's books are surprisingly easy to get into. I think one of the reasons is his ability to create characters that mirror the different parts of our psyche, and most often than not, I get the feeling that I'm reading about myself. That's the power of Dostoevsky. He is a master of human psychology, and this book captures perfectly the reason why. It's no surprise why he had such a huge influence on the likes of Nietzsche and Freud. I'm telling you, there is something about Russians and literature. My next Dostoevsky should be The Idiot, but I can't seem find the Pevaear and Volokhonsk translation (which is supposedly the best there is) in any of the bookstores or libraries here. And Amazon doesn't deliver to Malaysia. Hmmm, perhaps I should wait till I'm in the Netherlands. Am now reading White Teeth by Zadie Smith. Heard that it's really good.

Dostoevsky: Better than God

Also caught the latest episodes of LOST. The one about Richard Alpert (excuse me, it's Ricardo), oh man it could be inducted into the "Best LOST Episode Hall of Fame" (albeit the constant distraction from Ricardo's guyliner). But the episode after that (the one about Jin and Sun), meh, it wasn't really as good, especially after the bar that the creators have set themselves with Ricardo's. Anyone actually knows what I'm talking about? Oh yeah, I've also started watching this new series called Ugly Americans, and you HAVE to watch it if you haven't alreasy. I won't spoil it for you, but it's like Futurama, only replace the aliens with zombies, werewolves, yetis, creatures from the underworld and, uhm, one pooping birdman.

Anyone has tried Chatroulette? You know, that site for pervs (straight and homos alike)? Now, what do you get when you take Chatroulette, minus all the straight guys and chicks and replace them with homos? You get Manroulette, that's what! I'm not kidding you. Manroulette is like a Chatroulette clone, but instead of getting 3 dicks out of every 10 nexts, with Manroulette, you get 6 (at least)! Ive been there a couple of times already, there aren't really many people using it yet, but you could find some pretty interesting characters in between the dicks (literally). The only problem is the chat function doesn't seem to work for me for some reason. I could read the messages sent from the other side just fine, but I couldn't send any. Which resulted in many frustrating moments when interesting guys who seem interested in chatting nexted me for not replying. I hope Manroulette fixes the bug so I could finally have a complete trolling experience.

Well, I guess that was all I 've been doing for the past few days, swim and read and trolling online. Will be going back to my hometown, probably tomorrow or the day after. I don't really miss home, but anything is better than being stuck here in uni. I've finally finished with the bulk of my work so being back home would be a real good opportunity to get some RnR before the looming finals.

P/S: Happy 1st of April!

See you soon!

Kai

1st Subscriber! And Updates.

A big gay hug and thanks to Sam for subscribing to the blog and dropping off some comments on the posts. I'm pretty stoked that there's actually someone who reads my blog. Looking forward to seeing you around.

Now for some updates. Things are pretty crazy the part few days and will be even crazier the week to come. All the assignments and final year papers are killing me. To make things worse, I have lost all motivation to do anything uni related since I'll be graduating in 2 months so all these work feels like a big chore.

On a more uplifting note, I have sent all the documents needed for the visa to the Netherlands yesterday. I get really excited just thinking about flying there. And I guess it's time for me to take up some Dutch lessons now. Which is not easy cause there seem a lack of resource on Dutch available on the Internet. Anyone knows of good Dutch websites or podcasts?

Nothing much else has been going on cause I've been really busy with school. Or perhaps I'm just a naturally boring person :-/. Guess I'll stop here, more updates next time. And perhaps I'll talk about my secret French lover. Have I got your attention yet? LOL.

Till next time,

Kai

Being Gay in This Part of the World

Sometimes, I think that living in this country has fucked me up real good. And the thoughts been returning more and more often.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, Malaysia isn't exactly a gay-friendly country. Not by a long shot. Currently there's this case of a Malaysian politician (Anwar Ibrahim) who's been accused of sodomy...for the second time. Well I'm not gonna dwell into politics. What I'm saying is, like most Islamic country, homosexuality is a crime punishable by law. But being a non-Muslim, some of the laws don't really apply to me (and the likes of me), but still the situation is pretty bad.

Here's why. I'm 23 and I have not been in love, ever. Crushes yes, but not love. I've fell for quite a number of guys in my life, but most (if not all) of them never get past beyond ogling at a corner and fantasizing stuffs. Over here, it is inconceivable for me to ever find a guy whom I could call a boyfriend, let alone holds hands in public and any other form of PDFs. Which really sucks, cause I would really wanna be able to do that. But not while I'm here. It just couldn't happen.

I don't wanna give the impression that I've never done anything with guys before, cause I had. But most of these are just random anonymous sexual encounters, so they couldn't be considered as relationships at all. And after so many years of random sex (I've started having sex when I was 19, I'm now 23), I'm beginning to get tired of it. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm ready for a real relationship, but unfortunately the society is not ready for people like us.

It hurts when you see straight couples hanging out in public and they are licensed to do pretty much whatever they want, but when it comes to gay guys like me, I couldn't even hold hands in the public without disapprovals or worse, persecution. And the saddest thing is that the majority of the gay guys over here seem to have given up, all they ever wanted was sex sex and sex. Cause like me, they realise there isn't any future for homosexual relationships. Which makes finding a boyfriend an even tougher task.

I want to be able to flirt with a guy I think is cute. To go out for dinner. Catch a movie together. Hold hands. Steal a kiss. Simple things. Unattainable, however. It really sucks elephant dick.

Writing this has put me in a really bad mood. I guess I'll just go take a bath and sleep early today.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

Why I Decide to Blog about My Life...and Other Random Craps

Apart from the fact that it does get pretty lonely sometimes being closeted and living in a country where being gay means getting ostracised, and that I feel blogging would be a great way for me to express myself (even if noone reads it), I was also inspired by a few bloggers from who, like me, are also closeted and are pretty much much going trough the things that I am. So I thought, hey, why not try this, it could be like therapy you know, just venting out and blogging about the most mundane stuffs. If anybody reads this and get inspired like I did, or even made them feel better knowing that there's someone going through the exact same thing they are, well thats just an extra bonus :-).

So I should be finishing up my papers right now, but being in the final semester and all, I have pretty much lost all motivation to do anything uni related. I have shit tonnes of work to do but I just keep finding reasons to procrastinate. Then again, I ALWAYS find reasons to procrastinate. Oh well.

The weather is killing me. It must be at least 40 degrees out there. I've lived in this country all my life, but I could never get used to the weather. So now I'm stuck in my room. At least I have my laptop to keep me company, and it gives me some time to write a bit. Gosh, won't it rain already.

Well thats about it, again. I think I'm gonna spend another or so changing the layout of the blog and adding some other features. Anything to avoid doing real work lol.

Later!

Kai

1st Post

Hello world. My name is Kai, and I'm a 23-year-old university student. I am also a closeted homosexual.

I live in a country called Malaysia, which you might or might know have heard of. It's an ok place I guess, but for a gay guy like me things might get a little difficult because the society and government are quite conservative. In fact, there are even laws that persecute gay people and any form of homosexual acts, although these laws are rarely used on non-Muslims (like me).

Alright, about me. As i mentioned, I'm an undergrad, but not for long caused I'll be graduating this coming May (yay). Like, finally. I don't mean to sound like I hate studying, but I think I've been studying way too long and it's good to finally end this phase of my life and start doing something new. Things are gonna get really exciting once I finish cause then I'll be off to the Netherlands to begin a 6-month-internship (double yay). But more of that some other time. Oh yeah, and I major in International Business Management. Future capitalist right here.

I guess I'll end my post now, cause I really have nothing much to say. But I hope this blog will be the start of something fresh for me, cause living as a closeted homosexual can get pretty lonely at times, and this 'journal' could be a great source of outlet. We'll see.

Till next time,

Kai