1st Subscriber! And Updates.

A big gay hug and thanks to Sam for subscribing to the blog and dropping off some comments on the posts. I'm pretty stoked that there's actually someone who reads my blog. Looking forward to seeing you around.

Now for some updates. Things are pretty crazy the part few days and will be even crazier the week to come. All the assignments and final year papers are killing me. To make things worse, I have lost all motivation to do anything uni related since I'll be graduating in 2 months so all these work feels like a big chore.

On a more uplifting note, I have sent all the documents needed for the visa to the Netherlands yesterday. I get really excited just thinking about flying there. And I guess it's time for me to take up some Dutch lessons now. Which is not easy cause there seem a lack of resource on Dutch available on the Internet. Anyone knows of good Dutch websites or podcasts?

Nothing much else has been going on cause I've been really busy with school. Or perhaps I'm just a naturally boring person :-/. Guess I'll stop here, more updates next time. And perhaps I'll talk about my secret French lover. Have I got your attention yet? LOL.

Till next time,

Kai

Being Gay in This Part of the World

Sometimes, I think that living in this country has fucked me up real good. And the thoughts been returning more and more often.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, Malaysia isn't exactly a gay-friendly country. Not by a long shot. Currently there's this case of a Malaysian politician (Anwar Ibrahim) who's been accused of sodomy...for the second time. Well I'm not gonna dwell into politics. What I'm saying is, like most Islamic country, homosexuality is a crime punishable by law. But being a non-Muslim, some of the laws don't really apply to me (and the likes of me), but still the situation is pretty bad.

Here's why. I'm 23 and I have not been in love, ever. Crushes yes, but not love. I've fell for quite a number of guys in my life, but most (if not all) of them never get past beyond ogling at a corner and fantasizing stuffs. Over here, it is inconceivable for me to ever find a guy whom I could call a boyfriend, let alone holds hands in public and any other form of PDFs. Which really sucks, cause I would really wanna be able to do that. But not while I'm here. It just couldn't happen.

I don't wanna give the impression that I've never done anything with guys before, cause I had. But most of these are just random anonymous sexual encounters, so they couldn't be considered as relationships at all. And after so many years of random sex (I've started having sex when I was 19, I'm now 23), I'm beginning to get tired of it. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm ready for a real relationship, but unfortunately the society is not ready for people like us.

It hurts when you see straight couples hanging out in public and they are licensed to do pretty much whatever they want, but when it comes to gay guys like me, I couldn't even hold hands in the public without disapprovals or worse, persecution. And the saddest thing is that the majority of the gay guys over here seem to have given up, all they ever wanted was sex sex and sex. Cause like me, they realise there isn't any future for homosexual relationships. Which makes finding a boyfriend an even tougher task.

I want to be able to flirt with a guy I think is cute. To go out for dinner. Catch a movie together. Hold hands. Steal a kiss. Simple things. Unattainable, however. It really sucks elephant dick.

Writing this has put me in a really bad mood. I guess I'll just go take a bath and sleep early today.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

Why I Decide to Blog about My Life...and Other Random Craps

Apart from the fact that it does get pretty lonely sometimes being closeted and living in a country where being gay means getting ostracised, and that I feel blogging would be a great way for me to express myself (even if noone reads it), I was also inspired by a few bloggers from who, like me, are also closeted and are pretty much much going trough the things that I am. So I thought, hey, why not try this, it could be like therapy you know, just venting out and blogging about the most mundane stuffs. If anybody reads this and get inspired like I did, or even made them feel better knowing that there's someone going through the exact same thing they are, well thats just an extra bonus :-).

So I should be finishing up my papers right now, but being in the final semester and all, I have pretty much lost all motivation to do anything uni related. I have shit tonnes of work to do but I just keep finding reasons to procrastinate. Then again, I ALWAYS find reasons to procrastinate. Oh well.

The weather is killing me. It must be at least 40 degrees out there. I've lived in this country all my life, but I could never get used to the weather. So now I'm stuck in my room. At least I have my laptop to keep me company, and it gives me some time to write a bit. Gosh, won't it rain already.

Well thats about it, again. I think I'm gonna spend another or so changing the layout of the blog and adding some other features. Anything to avoid doing real work lol.

Later!

Kai

1st Post

Hello world. My name is Kai, and I'm a 23-year-old university student. I am also a closeted homosexual.

I live in a country called Malaysia, which you might or might know have heard of. It's an ok place I guess, but for a gay guy like me things might get a little difficult because the society and government are quite conservative. In fact, there are even laws that persecute gay people and any form of homosexual acts, although these laws are rarely used on non-Muslims (like me).

Alright, about me. As i mentioned, I'm an undergrad, but not for long caused I'll be graduating this coming May (yay). Like, finally. I don't mean to sound like I hate studying, but I think I've been studying way too long and it's good to finally end this phase of my life and start doing something new. Things are gonna get really exciting once I finish cause then I'll be off to the Netherlands to begin a 6-month-internship (double yay). But more of that some other time. Oh yeah, and I major in International Business Management. Future capitalist right here.

I guess I'll end my post now, cause I really have nothing much to say. But I hope this blog will be the start of something fresh for me, cause living as a closeted homosexual can get pretty lonely at times, and this 'journal' could be a great source of outlet. We'll see.

Till next time,

Kai