Being Gay in This Part of the World

Sometimes, I think that living in this country has fucked me up real good. And the thoughts been returning more and more often.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, Malaysia isn't exactly a gay-friendly country. Not by a long shot. Currently there's this case of a Malaysian politician (Anwar Ibrahim) who's been accused of sodomy...for the second time. Well I'm not gonna dwell into politics. What I'm saying is, like most Islamic country, homosexuality is a crime punishable by law. But being a non-Muslim, some of the laws don't really apply to me (and the likes of me), but still the situation is pretty bad.

Here's why. I'm 23 and I have not been in love, ever. Crushes yes, but not love. I've fell for quite a number of guys in my life, but most (if not all) of them never get past beyond ogling at a corner and fantasizing stuffs. Over here, it is inconceivable for me to ever find a guy whom I could call a boyfriend, let alone holds hands in public and any other form of PDFs. Which really sucks, cause I would really wanna be able to do that. But not while I'm here. It just couldn't happen.

I don't wanna give the impression that I've never done anything with guys before, cause I had. But most of these are just random anonymous sexual encounters, so they couldn't be considered as relationships at all. And after so many years of random sex (I've started having sex when I was 19, I'm now 23), I'm beginning to get tired of it. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm ready for a real relationship, but unfortunately the society is not ready for people like us.

It hurts when you see straight couples hanging out in public and they are licensed to do pretty much whatever they want, but when it comes to gay guys like me, I couldn't even hold hands in the public without disapprovals or worse, persecution. And the saddest thing is that the majority of the gay guys over here seem to have given up, all they ever wanted was sex sex and sex. Cause like me, they realise there isn't any future for homosexual relationships. Which makes finding a boyfriend an even tougher task.

I want to be able to flirt with a guy I think is cute. To go out for dinner. Catch a movie together. Hold hands. Steal a kiss. Simple things. Unattainable, however. It really sucks elephant dick.

Writing this has put me in a really bad mood. I guess I'll just go take a bath and sleep early today.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day